An Amusing Pickup Memory

Was just in wal mart. Looking at some cuties.

I remember a few years ago having to cut a huge fart in wal mart. I went to an out of the way corner where there were some boring ass Christian books. I pretended to read one and let out a monster. It smelled like chupacabra nutsack mixed with a waterlogged dead body.

Then two girls walked right down the isle to approach me. They must have been working up their courage for quite some time.

There was no ignoring what I had just unleashed.

That interaction did not go well.

Probably why guys should do pickup, and girls should stick to getting picked up.

12 Tips For New Farriers

Ive been shoeing regularly for over a year now. These are the lessons Ive learned the hard way. Ignore them at your own peril. Im writing this to help, not preach.

All For One! One For All!

I know this might come as a surprise, but horses are herd animals. Even if by casual observation it appears that they hate each other. They are most comfortable with another horse around. Preferably from their own herd. Take a buddy along with you wherever you happen to be working and things will go a lot more smoothly for you.

Its always the heels

Ive been getting away with a minimal amount of actual shoe shaping since I first started. Some horses even fit the shoes perfectly right out of the box. Factory shoes are perfectly flat. Machines are good at stuff like that. Why then, does your shoe not lay flat of the hoof you just trimmed? Your heels are too high. Find a good angle and rasp the shit out of them. Sometimes the frog can get overgrown and get in your way too. Knife that, and 90% of the time you’ll be good to go.  I was taught, and have observed for myself, that you should take your heels down as far as you can without drawing blood. This is allows the horse to move in the best way. Ever seen a woman try to run in high heels?

Wind is the enemy

Theres really no way around this one. Horses hate it. A prey animal is always listening for a predator, and if the wind is howling in their ears they are gonna be skittish and extremely hard to work with. You need to keep this in mind when scheduling clients. Where I live the wind regularly picks up in the summertime at 1pm and can continue for a few hours. A tightly built, well lit barn can help, but sometimes discretion is the better part of valor.

Lots of carrot

Getting frustrated? Horse getting tired and annoyed? Pick up that curry comb. Get a pan of oats. Sing or hum softly. Pat them on the rump. Give em some rubbing. Give the horse some love. Sometimes difficult horses just need a softer touch.

Don’t be afraid to use the stick

Keeping the previous tip as your first avenue of approach, you have to realize that some horses are just fucking dicks. Never hit a horse you aren’t allowed to hit. Well, at least never get caught doing it… My rule is that if a horse refuses to pick his foot up for me after several minutes, he gets the flat of a rasp to the underside of the stomach. Don’t be a pussy. Let ‘er rip. You must make sure that the horse is tied very well, and to something that wont budge. Don’t repeatedly hit them. That serves no purpose whatsoever and will make your job impossible.

Bend your nail ahead of time

Your nails for the #1 hole should go in unbent. Thats the angle they are designed for.  All the other holes need just a slight taper put on the point of the nail. You could wait until you’re bent over and sweating to do that precision work or… Well, you get the idea.

Get the right tools and maintain them

You absolutely need a farriers box to organize all your tools. If you don’t wanna cough up the money for one, just make it yourself however which way you see fit. This is not optional. There are a whole lot of other examples out there that I could write an entirely separate post about. Chaps. Stands. Hammers with better balance. In this business you get what you pay for. Cheap tools that are dull and dirty lead to poor work. Take care of your equipment, it will take care of you.

Minimise distractions

Wanna listen to music? Don’t bother. Do your visiting relatives want to see what you’re up to? Unless they are holding the horse for you, tell them to piss off. Hell, you shouldn’t even be next to a road that gets occasional traffic if you can avoid it. Horses hate this procedure, and they will use ANY excuse to misbehave. Focus.

Eat right!

I wasn’t gonna tell this story, but here goes. When I was at school learning this trade, I decided to get shitfaced the night before class, and not eat breakfast in the morning. When I was learning the stance to use on a particularly short horse, after standing up… I fainted. I fell on the point of my chin so hard that I busted a piece off of every molar in my mouth. I find that the ideal is to eat light and mostly protein about an hour before your appointment. Bring PLENTY of water and when I start to fade, I crack open a soda or energy drink. We’re trying to make some money here, not worry about sugar intake. That extra blast at the end of could make all the difference. Might save you a costly mistake.

Take your TIME!

Are you in a hurry? Maybe try sales or day trading. The horse will absolutely know if you’re rushing him. The way to get done the fastest is to keep all my other points in mind, and have patience. Work with the horse, not at him. Other than that the only way to speed things up is experience. You can only gather that if your foot remains unbroken.

Horse yoga

You won’t have trouble with the front feet. I never have. Its the hind legs of the animal that get stiff and inflexible, especially with age. When I was at pony school, I picked up a few tricks that help the old grey mare to loosen up a little. First, square up her hind feet, then grab her tail firmly, and pull as hard as you can at the angle the tail comes out from the rump. This is like cracking the back for humans. You’ll know you’ve done it right if you hear several pops. Bingo. Even if you don’t hear cracks, just have faith that its helping. Second, make two fists, then place then at the top of the buttocks and push your knuckles into the muscle as hard as you can and drag down either side of the divide and end a little after the tail starts. If a horse has been neglected and his feet have grown far too long; these two techniques can work magic.

Get a handler

Hands down the most important piece of advice I have for new farriers. No other tip comes close to the importance of having a human ally up front. Your 8 year old nice is better than nothing. Seriously.

Real Love vs. Fake Love

What a title huh? I like it cause its kinda how Trump would simplify things. Lets get into the meat and potatoes of it eh?

Fake Love = Enabling Love.

The purpose of fake love is to make yourself feel good. When you enable a person to continue a destructive behavior because it temporarily makes them feel good, and you  love them, ergo you feel good; you are practicing fake love. Im pretty sure you can come up with endless examples of this on your own. For me to extrapolate on this would border on bloviation. Suffice to say, Fake Love is self serving in its essence.

Real Love = Tough Love

Real love is doing what is best for another person in the long run, without exceptions. Thats where the “tough” part comes in. You have to use your best judgement and actually think ahead. Its also tough not to make any excuses for not practicing Real Love. Hey, everyone has off days where they are lazy, I get it.

“No kid, you can’t eat ice cream for every meal. Whether or not I choose to explain my decision is not going to change it.”

In its essence Tough Love comes from a deeper place of caring. You want someone else to stand on their own, with passion and peace. You want them to realize their full being and potential. You want to love them not for your own sake… But for theirs…

Tough Love is actual love.

 

But hey… As the mainstream media and propaganda pushers are so fond of saying… Love is Love. Probably not much of a significant difference between the two.

Just flip a coin.

Whatever.

Happy

Someone just told me not to stop blogging. Odd, because near as I can tell, he completely deleted his own website… Ill admit, I like my blog. Theres quite a few gems in there. Would be quite a few more if I had bothered to write in it these last few months. Whenever I think of starting up my blog again, a certain topic always moves to the front of my mind.

I only really write substantially when Im not all that happy.

I suppose its a self diagnosis/prescription tool.

Whatever it was, it must have worked. Im tempted to tell you the things Ive found out. “”How I did it”” as it were. But then I remember that the blogging community is mostly filled with the cynics, misanthropes, haters, and every once in a while… Depressed person just trying to figure out how to be happy. Even If I laid it all out in vivid detail, you wouldn’t believe me.

But I suppose if you’ve found me I at least owe it to you to divulge some of my discoveries. Consider this a pledge to fill you in on the last several months of my life, and how I mostly left the blogosphere behind.

Shut the Fuck Up You Chink Bastards!

Im just gonna tell all billion plus of you right now… You have the most irritating language on the face of the earth. Oh is it a tonal language? What? Did you run out of different sounds? Seriously, on a scale of 1-10 with ten being brake discs grinding on bare metal brake caliper, your speech is a 12.

Japanese? Fine. Totally badass sounding. Minimal grammar and a simplified alphabet.

But you Chinese… I can’t do it. Don’t speak around me, unless its a language OTHER than mandarin.

“You know whats going to be the most valuable commodity in the future? WATER!” DURRRRRRRR!

I can’t tell you how many times Ive heard this. Usually by some run of the mill fake ass intellectual who leans politically left. (Sorry Dad.) Alright. Lets use basic god damn logic to, in my mind, finally put this retardation to rest.

1. How much water is there? – Practically infinite
2. Who uses water? – People
3. Where do people live? – Next to all the fucking water!
4. Do these people have the technology to make this water potable? – YES GOD DAMMIT, YES! They’ve had it for a century now! (if not more)
5. How can they afford the energy it takes for desalinization? – Ive ranted before on this blog that energy scarcity is a thing of the past. We are post energy scarcity RIGHT NOW and thats just from burning dinosaur farts. Only fools look at the current level of tech and assume its not going to advance ever again.
6. Okay smart guy, what kinda tech is going to supply this energy? – Think of it this way… The internal combustion engine was invented in 1854. That means that for 163 years now, we have been using the SAME technology to power an industrial society. Do you really think that something better hasn’t been invented yet? (Probably Jews again) We could use nuclear energy if we had to, or even harness the tides. My point is, at our current tech level, energy is basically unlimited.

So. Ya. I just don’t believe that on a planet thats two thirds water its ever going to be an extremely valuable commodity. Its just another instance of parrots parroting each other for nonexistent status. (Sorry Dad.) Think of it this way. Its MUCH harder to refine gold, and gold is objectively WAY less useful than water.

But we do it anyway. Cause we’re humans. Thats our nature.

Encounter problem.

Solve it.

Testosterone Poisoning

I just keep getting bigger. Mostly my shoulders. Shirts keep splitting on me. Right down the center of my back. They fit perfectly last year. The hair loss is pretty apparent to pretty much everyone these days. What I’m lacking on my head, I make up for in various other places. First my neck. Thats a good question huh? When does it go from facial hair to body hair? Then weird patches on the tops of my triceps. I would say for the last 4 years or so, I’ve gained 5 pounds per year… Not fat pounds either. Im sure some of its fat, but the mirror is probably the best judge, and I still don’t look like a lard ass. Its just me, but 5 pounds heavier. Kinda a sexy gorilla look. I suppose its to be expected. When I started in the oil patch, I lost the freshman 15 and got lean. When I went full time on the ranch the hay bales just became another part of life. Upper body just keeps blowing up. When I took up farriery, my quads, calves, and forearms blew up. My pee dribbles at the end now. I looked it up. Its most likely benign growth of the prostate. Happens to all men to some extent. Just usually in their mid thirties. Not late 20s… Its not just me either. I don’t trust women to tell the truth. They will say whatever they think is going to flatter you. No, its guys who will let you know. When it happens twice in the same week, you know something is up.

“Dude, you’re getting… Big…”

“Yes, I know. Theres all sorts of other fun things that come with it.”

“Hey, man. How much do you bench?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? You don’t even lift?”

“Nope.”

I get so horny I can’t see straight. I see stories about some men waiting 2, 3 dates before pulling the trigger. I don’t do that. We either fuck tonight, or Ill find someone that will. Probably a lot or factors contributing to this hormonal abundance. Clean water, grandmas meaty crew cookin, Lots of hard labor in the great outdoors, a dominant personality… Id say on the whole, its been a net positive. To hell with the prostate thingy. Not a big deal.

Then every year we sell the old bulls. We call em “baloney bulls” cause thats pretty much all they’re good for. They have big shoulders too. They poor old boys just never knew when to stop putting on meat. Muscle bound. Can hardly move their heads. Testicles the size of miniature water melons… Hundreds of children sired, and now they’re shot. Feet are bad. Used up. At seven years old…

I feel for ya, ya cranky old bastards…

Testosterone poisoning aint all fun and games…

 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Im actually kind of glad my blog is no longer appearing on the aggregator site. I admit, there was a time when it was really nice to have an audience. It was also extremely fun to watch my influence creep into the minds of others and steer the dialogue where I saw fit. But, this is my blog… I didn’t start it to become famous. If I ever do become famous, I would like it to be because of my music. While I appreciate being put on the aggregator, I never actually asked to be there. Now that Im off, I feel a little more comfortable posting things of a little more personal nature. A couple of minor things Ive noticed that I want nothing to do with anymore

No more killing. Sounds weird coming from a cattle rancher and all around carnivore no? Well, I was lifting the bottom bales from the stackyard during winter feeding. Field mice live underneath all the stacks on this ranch. They chew the strings and make the hay useless for transport. As they skittered around my feet, I remembered my father telling me a story. He said he and his brothers would have a competition to see how many the could skewer on the ends of the bale hooks. I casually lifted my foot and crushed the life out of one. As the life left him I felt a little sick. See, its not that I’m squeamish… I just realized that I had no justifiable reason for killing that creature. Murdering him wouldn’t bring the strings of the hay bales back. It was cruel, and completely uncalled for. Ive started slowing down for rabbits too. Let them get off the road. Most of my life I would just keep speed and not swerve. More often then not, all you have to do is nothing to turn them into marinara. But I realized, hey, I’m really not in that big of a hurry. Does this mean Im going to become a vegan and join PETA? Well as the magic 8 ball is so fond of saying, “Ask again later.” You see death is intricately intertwined with life. Is it fair to a blade of grass when a cow cuts it off at the dirt? Is it fair to the crippled gazelle when the cheetah effortlessly snaps its neck? Is it fair to the defenseless caterpillar when the parasitic wasp lays its eggs inside him to eat him from the inside?

Yes.

Thats just life. Organisms kill each other when they need to. When they need to. So, while I’m just another animal, and one designed to eat other animals at that, I don’t see any reason to frivolously end their time in this existence prematurely without a legitimate reason to. Working around animals all day I can assure you. They have personalities and souls just like we do. They may not be as developed as we are, but they are on their way.

No more sarcasm. This one, in my opinion, is a little more insidious. I think its an offhand effect of how complex the english language is. Nuanced. If you do it just right, you can leave the recipient wondering just what the hell is actually going through your head. Besides its passive aggressive nature, thats ultimately why I’ve deemed it to have no real place in my speaking from now on. Sarcasm is fundamentally dishonest and deceptive. Is he saying what he means? Or the opposite of what he means? Heres a fucking novel idea… Why don’t everybody just say what the fuck they actually mean? I guess it comes from trying to be more genuine all around. A few days ago I told the hand I’ve worked with for the last few years that I appreciated all of his hard work up till now. Ive started (occasionally) telling my parents that I love them. I do. They are in their sixties now and I want them to know they mean a lot to me.

I can’t say I never fall back into old habits. Especially when I’m pissed off. But, Ive realized that I’m probably in this for the long haul. Theres definitely some longevity in my family, and shit… If I’m gonna make it another 60 years…

I gotta cut out some of the bullshit.

 

Salvia (Still the Same)

I remember smoking this flower in high school. I remember melting into the sofa. Friends circled around laughing at the retardation of the imbiber. Ive always like hallucinogenic, and I think salvia divinorum must have been one of the first I ever tried. So here I am. Quite a few different thoughts bouncing around in my mind as of late. The woman problem remains at square one so the logical path is to try and influence something I have a little more control over.

I would like to make more money.

The horseshoeing venture is netting me $200-300 a month extra from what I was making before. Nothing to sneeze at, but nothing life changing either. I can’t help but feel that if I were spending my time a little bit more efficiently I could be making a whole lot more money.

Am I wasting my time here?

My youth?

Should I move away?

I need some perspective on these things. I need a view thats not of my own. I ordered the 60x bag and waited. A few days later in the mail I received the one gram package. About 40 times the amount that I actually needed, but its harder to get much less that a gram. I cleaned the room and brushed my teeth. I decided not to shower because I still felt more or less clean. I remember some bad experiences in the past where once I got high I couldn’t enjoy it because all the grime and sweat were too distracting. This, I guess, was how I wanted to spend my day off. Lets have a journey. Lets get some perspective on the issues of my life.

I packed on of the last remaining chillums from my rambunctious days. Flicked the orange lighter, and took the bitter herb into my mouth before french inhaling. I held the smoke as long as I could before blowing out faint wisps, all that was left of the potent flower.

It hit like a freight train.

Where am I?

Still at home.

Fuck its cold in here! Is it always this cold in here?!

I was supposed to find something! Talk to somebody! Figure something out!

It was difficult to move, but I had to speak with someone. I wrestled back control of my body from the trance and ran downstairs.

Nobody.

My roommate still at work.

I ran out the door and looked frantically around.

My uncle and grandparents vehicles were gone.

Nobody.

I ran back up to my room.

Maybe that was the big reveal that I try to keep hidden most of my waking hours. Yes, that had to be it. A realization not very pleasant, so I keep it buried…

GOD DAMMIT I HATE BEING SO FUCKING ALONE ALL THE TIME!

Something. Distract me.

Ah! Speakers! Music! Help me distance myself from that fact that theres no big solution.

As I fumbled with the mouse trying to decipher volume and iTunes I remember thinking about how I would have killed for this setup when I was a teenager. It was a real ego disassociation. Sort of a thought process of

“Damn, this guy is pretty fucking cool! I know for a fact that these speakers sound awesome! I wish I had this system”

Then a –

“Ya dummy. The only reason you know that is because they are yours!”

I turned on the EDM that first arrived on my playlist. Way too harsh. I couldn’t get it off fast enough. I opened Serato; A DJ program meant to work with controllers. This library was much more extensive and had a more eclectic selection.

Anxiety.

Hypersensitivity of my skin. Gah.

Fix my ballsack. The skin feels 10 times more sensitive than normal.

Weird.

I don’t like this…

As soon as I had that thought, a large portion of the anxiety went away.

Just another unpleasant experience. I can deal with that.

Nothing is different.

I didn’t learn anything.

Im just high now is all.

Then I saw it while scrolling down the page. Still the same. By Bob Segar.

Of course. It had to be.

You always won every time you placed a bet

You’re still damn good
No one’s gotten to you yet
Every time they were sure they had you caught
You were quicker than they thought
You’d just turn your back and walk

You always said
The cards would never do you wrong
The trick you said
Was never play the game too long
A gambler’s share
The only risk that you would take
The only loss you could forsake
The only bluff you couldn’t fake

And you’re still the same
I caught up with you yesterday
Moving game to game
No one standing in your way
Turning on the charm
Long enough to get you by
You’re still the same
You still aim high

There you stood
Everybody watched you play
I just turned and walked away
I had nothing left to say
‘Cause you’re still the same
You’re still the same
Moving game to game
Some things never change
You’re still the same

Things can’t be all that bad. If I can honestly say that this song came to me when I needed it most, and I  can say it perfectly describes me… Then I really have nothing to worry about.

Ill be here tomorrow.

Still the same.

 

Fertile

As I lean on the balcony rail of my rented apartment in the heart of Taipei, my eye is drawn to deep green of audacious little plants that I will never know the name of. They have the nerve to grow in the cracks of the drab concrete buildings I am surrounded by. On the ride in I saw jungle. Big thick trees covered in other parasitic trees and vines. Ferns cover every inch of dirt that has even a little sunlight. The moist air and low elevation does my weak lungs many favors. Its hereditary I’m afraid.

In the massive park I have to ask if its grass I’m stepping on. The blades are so thick and sproingy… Well, I wouldn’t call it grass, thats all. I see the typical old men and women practicing Tai Chi to stay limber. There are probably around 50 little children, ages 2-4 playing monkey on the most peculiar tree I’ve ever seen. Its wider than it is tall and seems to be made for little kids to play on as it branches out in patterns acceptable for little kids to climb on as their mothers watch.

The locals are wandering around with coats on. Im sweating my fuckin balls off. To think that this is about as cold as it gets… To think that for vast regions of earth, agriculture is not only possible… Its probably considerably easier. Ample rain, plenty of sun, fertile soil.

Lucky bastards.