Hurts So Good

We were moving yearlings. (Thats a cow thats a year old, honkeys) This was after a long day of moving another herd at one of our other ranches. Well, yearlings are quite excitable. Every which way we tried to move them they decided to go the exact opposite way. And here all sixty or so decide to barrel right at me. Ive got a set of pipes on me, so I managed to get them all turned around… Except for one. I chased him down the fence line and almost had him when he decided to crawl through the barbed wire. shit. By this time my uncle had caught up to me on his 24 year old quarter horse that is so full of piss an vinegar that nobody taught him how to sidestep; he just does it naturally while my uncle jerks violently at the bit and tries to get the damn horse to slow down. We opened the fence into the neighbors field and tried to get around the trouble maker yearling. He stayed one step ahead of us as he dodged around the indifferent red cows of our neighbor. Slowly but surely we went from walk to trot, to balls-out gallop trying to get ahead of this bastard. Its a great feeling, to be atop a sweating, stinking, huffing beast as it strains its muscles to do work that it does not understand.

Bridger is getting on in horse years. So it should come as no surprise that his left front hoof gave out and went down. Up flies my uncle over the saddle, face first into the ground.My uncle is no spring chicken and rather rotund. It was thus comical how all the fat that usually rests on the front of his body briefly migrated to the back and sides before returning to its proper position.

A sack of potatoes

He was fine. His glasses mashed up into his brow giving him quite a lot of blood and a wicked shiner and his hand and knee got fucked up and haven’t been working quite right for the last few days. We let the crew go and returned to our western ranch to transport bulls. After the initial shock of having the stuffing knocked out of him, I noticed something peculiar. My uncle is a recluse. He ranches and reads novels. Thats about it. So while I tend to get along fine with him, I totally understand if the world at large doesn’t exactly perceive his as the most friendly or cheerful individual. But on this particular trip he was in an exceptionally good mood. Why would coming extremely close to a severe injury make someone cheerful? Im no biologist but I’m assuming it has something to do with the chemicals released by your brain during a crisis. Apart from that he has a badass story to tell for the next week or so. Something cool happened.

So why are the vast majority of people so risk averse? Why is pain avoided at all costs among the sheeple? I guess the point I’m trying to make is that every once in a while you should do something dangerous. Theres no better way to feel alive.

My uncle tried to sneak up on my while I was writing this and pop a plastic bag behind my ear. This is quite unusual behavior for his as he usually just stays in his bunk house. We rehashed the crash and he bitched briefly about the various pains it is causing him. What would possess him to visit me? Perhaps on some level he knew he was being written about… hmmm… maybe Ill post about that at another time.

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Try

“Do. Or do not. There is no try.”

     -Yoda

I used to think this was a such a profound line. Yes, so true! Doers just do. They don’t need to think about their methods or motivations. Growing older however I’ve come to despise this truism that I once found so inspiring. Growing spiritually over the last year I’ve come to realize that intention is everything. Doing something for the right reasons has become much more important than mindlessness. In fact, a lot about the Jedi has come to annoy me. For all intents and purposes I now view them as unthinking, unfeeling, dogmatic, assholes.

The Jedis blind adherence to authority is exactly the worldview that I now fight against. I used to make six figures. I used to be an atheist. I used to be a binge drinker. I used to be a leftist. It worked for a while. At least I was happy. All those ideologies however, led to some major cognitive dissonance. What really woke me up was a simple question…

Who am I?

Im Grody. Ive won the game of life. I do and think what everyone else wants to do and think. Well, that just doesn’t cut it anymore. Whatever you do should be for the right reason. Mainly because YOU have decided that its worth doing. Not everyone else. Its easy to get discouraged when I look at what others have accomplished. But they’re not me. My life has become infinitely better now that I’ve taken the red pill. Im in better shape, I’m better with women, I have a better relationship with my family, and I’ve removed toxic influences from my life. It has all resulted in a sense of well being which, to me, is infinitely more valuable than mere happiness.

And so we come to the value of trying. You’re never going to be perfect, but you can strive for it. Can you do one push up? Can you take the time to look presentable this morning? Life is really the cumulation of small efforts. Its as simple as taking cold showers and skipping breakfast. Im not where I want to be yet. Thats ok because I’m making progress. I would love to meet other aware people but I don’t have much to bring to the table. Yet. It takes time. Someday I would love to stand next to Mike, Vic, and Chris and know that I deserve to be in their company. Until that day, I’m going to keep trying.