Salvia (Still the Same)

I remember smoking this flower in high school. I remember melting into the sofa. Friends circled around laughing at the retardation of the imbiber. Ive always like hallucinogenic, and I think salvia divinorum must have been one of the first I ever tried. So here I am. Quite a few different thoughts bouncing around in my mind as of late. The woman problem remains at square one so the logical path is to try and influence something I have a little more control over.

I would like to make more money.

The horseshoeing venture is netting me $200-300 a month extra from what I was making before. Nothing to sneeze at, but nothing life changing either. I can’t help but feel that if I were spending my time a little bit more efficiently I could be making a whole lot more money.

Am I wasting my time here?

My youth?

Should I move away?

I need some perspective on these things. I need a view thats not of my own. I ordered the 60x bag and waited. A few days later in the mail I received the one gram package. About 40 times the amount that I actually needed, but its harder to get much less that a gram. I cleaned the room and brushed my teeth. I decided not to shower because I still felt more or less clean. I remember some bad experiences in the past where once I got high I couldn’t enjoy it because all the grime and sweat were too distracting. This, I guess, was how I wanted to spend my day off. Lets have a journey. Lets get some perspective on the issues of my life.

I packed on of the last remaining chillums from my rambunctious days. Flicked the orange lighter, and took the bitter herb into my mouth before french inhaling. I held the smoke as long as I could before blowing out faint wisps, all that was left of the potent flower.

It hit like a freight train.

Where am I?

Still at home.

Fuck its cold in here! Is it always this cold in here?!

I was supposed to find something! Talk to somebody! Figure something out!

It was difficult to move, but I had to speak with someone. I wrestled back control of my body from the trance and ran downstairs.

Nobody.

My roommate still at work.

I ran out the door and looked frantically around.

My uncle and grandparents vehicles were gone.

Nobody.

I ran back up to my room.

Maybe that was the big reveal that I try to keep hidden most of my waking hours. Yes, that had to be it. A realization not very pleasant, so I keep it buried…

GOD DAMMIT I HATE BEING SO FUCKING ALONE ALL THE TIME!

Something. Distract me.

Ah! Speakers! Music! Help me distance myself from that fact that theres no big solution.

As I fumbled with the mouse trying to decipher volume and iTunes I remember thinking about how I would have killed for this setup when I was a teenager. It was a real ego disassociation. Sort of a thought process of

“Damn, this guy is pretty fucking cool! I know for a fact that these speakers sound awesome! I wish I had this system”

Then a –

“Ya dummy. The only reason you know that is because they are yours!”

I turned on the EDM that first arrived on my playlist. Way too harsh. I couldn’t get it off fast enough. I opened Serato; A DJ program meant to work with controllers. This library was much more extensive and had a more eclectic selection.

Anxiety.

Hypersensitivity of my skin. Gah.

Fix my ballsack. The skin feels 10 times more sensitive than normal.

Weird.

I don’t like this…

As soon as I had that thought, a large portion of the anxiety went away.

Just another unpleasant experience. I can deal with that.

Nothing is different.

I didn’t learn anything.

Im just high now is all.

Then I saw it while scrolling down the page. Still the same. By Bob Segar.

Of course. It had to be.

You always won every time you placed a bet

You’re still damn good
No one’s gotten to you yet
Every time they were sure they had you caught
You were quicker than they thought
You’d just turn your back and walk

You always said
The cards would never do you wrong
The trick you said
Was never play the game too long
A gambler’s share
The only risk that you would take
The only loss you could forsake
The only bluff you couldn’t fake

And you’re still the same
I caught up with you yesterday
Moving game to game
No one standing in your way
Turning on the charm
Long enough to get you by
You’re still the same
You still aim high

There you stood
Everybody watched you play
I just turned and walked away
I had nothing left to say
‘Cause you’re still the same
You’re still the same
Moving game to game
Some things never change
You’re still the same

Things can’t be all that bad. If I can honestly say that this song came to me when I needed it most, and I ┬ácan say it perfectly describes me… Then I really have nothing to worry about.

Ill be here tomorrow.

Still the same.