Tinder Mishap Leads To Catastrophic Scrotal Injury

Catastrophic might be a little too dramatic a word… But hey, it my scrotum. Any injury to my precious scrotum I consider to be catastrophic.

Tinder was really disappointing me. I created a sock puppet Facebook account just for the damn thing and I wasn’t getting any results. I live nestled in a valley that is pretty much exactly 100 miles from three major (yea right) cities in Montana. So I rightswiped every single woman in those 3 towns, but unless they increased their search radius I was shit-O-L. Its when I visited those towns that the likes would come pouring (yea right) in.

A hit in Helena. Quite plain and rather chubby. Whatever. After the initial “Hey there” I sent a rather curt message explaining myself.

“Heres the deal. I think you’re cute. Im sick of bullshitting all day with girls on this thing and never actually going on a date. lets meet up and have a coffee.”

Easy Peezy. She agreed. I changed the coffee to a beer and drove to town. What followed next was practically non-game. She liked indie bands and I wooed her with my esoteric knowledge on all obscure music. Fed her a shot and two beers and kiss-closed. We went back to her place to fuck. So this is what all those other blogs are talking about with the whole online game thing. Ive done it once, and let me tell ya. I would much rather go hunting the old fashioned way. If you think tinder is fun, well then maybe you can come over later for a fish shooting. I got em piled up in a barrel.

Aaanyway. After I got nice and sweaty in my favorite position, which happens to be ankles at ears and me holding the elbows down to the bed, I looked down. It was like a scene out of a horror film. Blood everywhere. All over my cock and pooled up on her stomach. Does Grody give a shit? Naw man. Its all good in my book. I finally convinced her to go no condom, because condoms suck and they give me a swollen pecker. Other than the blood the only remarkable thing about the encounter was how I finished her off with two solid semen pumps right into her left eyeball. She was a totally good sport about it and laughed it off. At least I have a good range.

I fed her some Wendy’s and took off.

Well, I “forgot” the shower because I like how pussy juice makes my cock all silky smooth. Its like natures lotion. Halfway through the day I began to experience insufferable chaffing. You know… Down there. The hot august day, hay dust, and constant movement had resulted in an awful rash on the left side of my ballsack. I reached down to inspect the wound with my fingers and when I pulled them up… Blood… Not my blood.

So… Actionable advice… Wash ur ballz after sex.

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