I was driving to the grocery store on the outskirts of town. Figured I’d pick up some beans for home made chili. On the side of the road I spotted an unobtrusive looking fellow trundling along with a ten gallon gas can. Now I’m not much for philanthropy, but I will help someone out if it doesn’t really blow too big a hole in my day. Poor bloke, I thought. His vehicle must have stalled a few miles out of town. He probably humped his way into town with that gas can and now he’s on his way back. The least I can do is give him a ride for a few miles.
I rolled down the window and offered him a lift. He immediately, and enthusiastically accepted. This was the first thing that threw me off. Usually a self reliant man is hesitant to accept any handouts, even if they know its no skin off the other guys back. It just comes with an attitude of every man for himself. Not this dude. He just jumped in. I was about to ask if he could put the gas can in the bed, as Im not really a fan of having my cab smell like a refinery… But then I noticed there was an installed buckle and hinges on the side. The entire side of the plastic gas can had been cut out to make a… Treasure chest?
Great. Just another crackpot. I decided to play dumb.
“Where did you run out of gas?”
“Oh, I didn’t actually.”
“See, Im the traveling gas can man. Im headed to Billings.”
He opened up his makeshift treasure chest to reveal… shit I can’t even remember now. Typical bum stuff. Just a rats nest of knick-knacks that most normal people wouldn’t think twice about throwing out. There was no way in Hades I was going to Billings. Its a 2 hour drive, and thats if you’re going 90 miles an hour.
“Well man, I hate to tell you this. But, Im just heading to the grocery store.”
“Oh thats ok. You can look me up on Facebook. “The Traveling Gas Can Man” Leave a comment and say that you drove me three blocks. I think that would probably be the shortest distance!”
I dropped him off at the highway and went to do my shopping. When I came out of the store he was still milling around out there. Another truck had stopped to offer him assistance. I returned home irritated and got online to look him up. The closest thing I found was a guy dressed in a foam gas can mascot outfit to advocate for the oil industry. There was no Facebook page.
Fuck you Traveling Gas Can Man. You are the reason nobody wants to help anyone else. You use deceit to pray upon peoples generosity. If you could just stick your thumb out and carry the trash in a backpack I could respect you. But noooo! You have to waste everybody’s time and hijack rides from people who weren’t in the market for a long term hitchhiker.
Heres some advice you faggot. Throw that gimmick on the fuckin burn pile. Stick your thumb out so you aren’t using deception to get what you want. Travel with people who are willing to give you a ride, all the way to Alaska. Go into a fish processing plant, and start gutting. In a few weeks you’ll have your own car. In a few months, you’ll be able to afford a place to live. In a few years you might actually look on con artists with distain…
As it stands now though… You are just another parasite. A pimple on civilizations ass. A dingleberry in societies butthole. Anybody who bothers pickin’ you, just gets shitty.