An Ode To Tractors

Yes. I love that sound. Diesel engines don’t sound the same as gas. Not by a long shot. Its almost like theres something loose and its rattling around. A sort of knocking. They all sound like that though so I know all is well. I can pretty much go anywhere cause this tire is almost as tall as I am. Here I am. Protected. A soft, squishy human in an iron shell. It even has a radio. I like being the guy in the tractor while the men outside freeze. We all know how to run it, but this time it happened to be me. Right now I’m stronger and faster than all of them put together. Hell, Im stronger and faster than 500 men combined. With one tractor properly maintained one man can feed hundreds. In a matter of months he could move a mountain. Now I know everyone is going to knit-pick and say that a back-ho is different than a dump truck is different than a fork lift, but to me, they’re all tractors.

They are amazing. 

Im trying to think about how to improve on this technology and can’t come up with anything. You need a heavy diesel truck with hydraulic attachments. I know everyone is worried about the fact that America is approaching the half way mark in regards to the parasite/producer ratio, but not me. We have tractors. I believe the 80/20 rule is now applicable. Give 20 guys a tractor each, and the other 80 can just loaf around all day. Who cares? If they find fulfillment in daytime television, more power to them. Ill be busy kicking ass in an awesome machine. A complicated, yet seemingly primitive machine that has become one with me.

Earlier I said I couldn’t think of a way to improve on them. That was a lie. The next logical step would be to imitate the human body with a mech suit. They are already working the bugs out on exoskeleton suits. The legs could fold up into wheels when you needed to travel. The arms could have a sort of Gattling gun of attachments. A jackhammer, welder, simple clamping claw, cutting torch, chainsaw, bucket. What Im thinking of is an all purpose tractor. Something to replace all the other models with just one, big, badass, building machine. Land 100 of those bad boys on an alien planet and you would have a functional iron mine in two days. In a week you would have a new human colony. A new place to put all the Lesbian Guatemalan Poetry majors. But hey, as long as I get to build it I really don’t give a damn how they spend their lives. Ill have fresh beef ready for them to purchase.

oh wait…


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