My first red pill pickup was plagued by so many errors it makes me wince to this day. But I got the bang, so I’m gonna chalk it up as a win.
It was late fall and cold enough to justify having a huge fire in the woods. Thats what we do in Montana. Make huge fires and drink beer in the woods. Sophisticated I know. Since we were having a gathering anyway I loaded my truck with my sound equipment and decided to supply the tunes for people to drink to. The night was going well and people were feeding me drinks the entire night while I worked the turntables. Nobody was dancing, but everyone was laughing and drinking and having a good time so I didn’t blame myself. Two little college honeys must have been thinking along these same lines because they came over and started shaking their shit. The 17 year old blonde came over and introduced herself to me as “Pixie” (yes… really…)
“What the hell is wrong with everyone? Why aren’t they dancing?”
“Ive learned you can’t make anyone dance. You can only encourage them.”
I talked with both Pixie and “Emma” for quite some time. My buddy “Johnny” Kept bringing over a corona with the a few swigs taken from it, then filled back up with lemon vodka and sweet and sour mix. He even put a lime slice in it. Whatta guy. Well I must have had six or seven of those and began to lose interest in DJing. This was fine as it was already pretty late and most people had bounced. The generator ran out of fuel and I sat around the fire with a few friends and tried to string sentences together while sitting next to Emma. She got bored and caught a ride home with someone else and left her Subaru parked next to my truck. After a few friends and I loaded up my equipment I threw her in reverse and immediately ran over a giant boulder that tore my drivers side running board off and ran the the front of my truck right into Emmas Subaru. I looked at Johnny as he sucked air in between his teeth.
“Man… You jacked that shit up!”
My vehicle was fine, but I had basically destroyed her drivers side headlight. I was too drunk at the time to worry about it. So I just drove home and passed out. The next day I had a bit of anxiety over the right course of action. Should I get her number, call her, and give out insurance info? Would that make my rates go up? Probably. Sounds like a real hassle. Luckily the ghost of Heartiste floated up from the poon nether world to give me some solid advice.
Ghost of Heartiste: “You wanna bang this girl right?”
Grody: “No shit, Sherlock.”
Ghost of Heartiste: “Alpha males don’t take responsibility for shit! Be selfish my poonami padawan.”
Grody: “This is kinda going against my code. Im not used to this…”
Ghost of Heartiste: “WOOOoooooo…”
I was tired of celibacy, so I decided to take his advice. I completely ignored the whole thing and continued my gym routine and kept getting shot down on approach… after approach… A roughneck buddy of mine stopped into town and fed me drinks until I couldn’t speak and I wound up with a DUI right after my probation expired from my North Dakota drug charges. Fuck. It was time to quit drinking. A couple of painful months went by as I took control of my habits and cleaned up. The night before my pickup I dreamed of the full moon. I examined all the luminous craters in all their intensity. I went to my classes and couldn’t help but notice all the females were all dolled up. While staring at some skinny brunettes thong I thought of the dream… Moon… Cycles… Thong underwear… Somewhere it clicked that tonight would be a good night to get laid.
That afternoon, out of the blue, an obese female friend sent me a text message inviting me to a party at her house. I showed up early and it was her and another fat friend plus her flaming faggot room mate who kept making blatant passes at me. I put up with their drunken shenanigans until some more people finally arrived and started playing drinking games. The booze held no allure to me. Then, the moment of truth. Emma and Pixie walked in. Game on. They set up camp at the kitchen island. Against all the pickup advice, I made the most direct approach imaginable. I rested both elbows on the kitchen island, brought my face to her level, and delivered my stupid opener, some snark about there being nothing going on tonight. She bit and started explaining all of her lame adventures that night, which included stripping down to her underwear to swim in a hotel pool. Nice.
Emma: “Whats your name?”
Grody: “Austin Fitzpatrick, nice to meet you.”
Emma: “Ok good… cause you look an awful lot like this fuckin Grody guy who ran into my fucking car!”
After a little while I broke off the interaction with her and took up as much of the sofa as I could while watching the drinking games going on. She slid up underneath my arm and we continued to talk. Mostly about the illuminati and how lizard people were going to take over the world. Then she and Pixie started to talk about the Bon-fire and how fun it was. I told them I really appreciated how they weren’t afraid to dance in front of everyone.
Emma: “It is you! I knew it!”
I flashed her a surprised shit eating grin. She playfully slapped my chest and feigned indignation. I wasn’t really surprised that she hadn’t recognized me because I had gone from full beard to baby face. (except for soul patch… cause… why not?) We went outside to smoke a cig and she had forgotten her lighter and asked me to go inside to get it. Shit test. I told her I would wait as she went to get it. We had a great conversation and went back inside. At this point it was just a waiting game. I socialized with the other guests and waited for most of them to go home before I sat on the couch next to her and put her under my arm. She kept taking big swigs from a bottle of Jack Daniels. Excellent. Enough was enough. Because she wouldn’t face me directly I put my forehead against hers and used both of our rounded heads to roll her mouth up into mine. I took her and Pixie and another dude to the dudes house and let him have Pixie. I bounced with Emma back to my place. (I figured since I was a noob it would take too much game to go for the threesome)
This chick was an 8.5. 20 years old with and hourglass figure. Great hips and thighs. Heres the kicker though. E tits. When I popped open that bra I heard the angel chorus and all was right with the universe.
stay tuned for part 2 where I describe in brutal detail all the mistakes I make when trying to make this girl into a plate.