That week I had cashed out my retirement account. (no regrets, enjoy the decline) So on a Friday morning I decided to skip all my classes and go shop for some slick new threads. I had been in the gym every day for the last four months and was looking good. I bought all new ski clothes and immediately wanted to go skiing. Figured Id kill two birds with one stone and try to get laid as well. Phoned up a number I collected earlier in the week and told her what the deal was. I managed to drag her out of her house and we were headed to the mountain. A cool chick. Short an skanky blonde with piercings and tats. We were having a good conversation until she mentioned she was in a fight with someone of the male persuasion. Thats about all I was able to gather as I told her.
“Look, Im not interested in any of that. Im Grody, and you’re here with me now. As far as I’m concerned, he doesn’t exist. Forget about it for the moment.”
So much for getting laid. Oh well, at least we could have some fun on the mountain. Wrong again. She texted whats his face in between runs and was a complete energy vampire. Eventually she asked me to give her a ride into town a few hours earlier than I expected so she could pick up whats his face from work. I politely declined and told her to hitch hike into town. Finally I could have some fun. Most people, let alone, females can’t keep up with me on an alpine adventure.
So it was a bust for getting some poon, but at least I had some fun on the mountain and didn’t go to boring school. I returned to town to a house full of my buddies watching sports. An acquaintance wasn’t having much luck on tinder so I took the reins from him and started just saying the most retarded shit. (“Ey Beeyatch, what chyo numb?”) It worked. I got way more responses with PeeWees Playhouse humor than any “getting to know you” crap. After I built the attraction he immediately wanted his phone back so he could fuck it all up. Oh well. He knew of a house party we could go to. I still had helmet hair so I went to my buddies bathroom so I could specifically wash my hair. Everyone made fun of me.
We got to the house and maybe a dozen people were playing beer pong in a freezing garage. The tinny stereo echoed way too softly for a party. Holy shit. Is this a house party? I must be getting old. The girls there were hot, but stuck up and quite obviously attached to their boyfriends. So I contented myself with flirting with my friends girlfriend and making her really uncomfortable, teasing her about all of her weight loss being from her tits.
Here she come. With a twelve pack box of Bud Light Limearitas. This girl wanted dick. I said very little to her but stood next to her and touched her lower back. We made maybe one innuendo. I started flirting with her tall blonde friend, who was much more attractive, in front of her. Pretty much the only thing I remember saying to her at that party was “I bet you can’t chug one of those in under 10 seconds.” Oh boy she proved me wrong. Excellent. She stole my baseball cap. Revealing my perfectly clean waufty hair. Didn’t talk to her for another half an hour as she wandered around in my hat. She ended up talking a bunch of shit to the owners of the house and they kicked her out. She was on her way out the door. “Hey, you can’t leave with my hat!” I grabbed it by the bill to spin her around and we started making out.
I gave her a ride back to her place, sucking face the entire way. When we got in the door of the dumpy rented bungalo there was no pretense. While her roommates started watching Zoolander and smoking hookah, we were getting naked in the next room like 10 feet away. The room had nothing in it but a mattress and a stack of condoms immediately to my left when I entered the room. Perfect.
She insisted on putting the condom on with her mouth, and I’m pretty sure she nibbled on the reservoir tip to put a hole in it. She looked at the nicotine patch I had on my chest and without warning ripped it off. (“Ow!”) She started fake moaning and squeezing my balls really hard and saying stupid shit like “MMMmm you’re sooo deep inside me!” I blew a nut immediately anyways. I threw that condom at the foot of the bed and rolled on a new one. I was recharging for a second and felt like asking her about the 6 inch scar right between her breasts.
Her: “I had open heart surgery a month ago. Bad valves. Now I have pig valves. I hate the scar. Its so ugly.”
Me: “We all have scars. I almost died once too. I have a metal plate in my head.”
Her: “Haha, ya whatever.”
Ok… So much for trying to relate on an emotional level. I started fucking her again. This time really hard. She grunted like a stuck pig. Then… A knock on the door. Her roommate needed to go to the bathroom, which was only accessible via the room we were naked in. What a great floor plan. I stood naked as she went to the door and both of them went to the bathroom together. Now that I had gotten rid of a load of jam my cognitive faculties were rapidly returning to me. This was weird/dumb. I got dressed quick as a jackrabbit and was about to bounce when she got out of the bathroom and begged me to stay. Well… Alright… I told her to “Bend the fuck over.”
Theres some awesome power dynamic fucking a girl doggy style when you’re fully dressed and she’s naked. Its duuurdy. Well, mid stroke she reaches up to my dick and rips the condom off. Ok. Enough. Zipping up my pants, I said,
“I don’t appreciate that shit.”
I walked out the door and immediately came back in…
“And Im taking this shit with me” As I stuffed the previously discarded condom into my pocket. The contents squishing everywhere…
I was gone.