Im attending state mandated alcohol classes. When signing up I exchanged trite pleasantries with the crowed feet bureaucrat that was taking my money. She handed me a 197 question sheet. The most complicated answers that were allowed were “true” or “false”. never mind that some of these questions weren’t grammatically compatible with a true or false format. If I wasn’t depressed before, I sure was after answering all the questions that brought my inebriated past rushing back to me in full color. Pretty sure they just round file it anyways.
The 10 hour class was held in a neighboring town 40 miles away. My uncle and I arrived about 45 min early and I halfheartedly choked down a couple of breakfast burritos from the gas station. The scrambled eggs were in-between frozen and luke warm. The actual classes were about what I expected with some pencil necked nerd reading verbatim out of a book and pressing the next button on a DVD remote. In one breath he tells the motley crew of I, and five 30-something dudes that there is no such thing as an “addictive personality” then proceeds to list five or six personality traits that have a higher correlation with addiction. Sensation seeking, Impulsivity, Risk taking, Gregariousness, something, something…
I would love to say that I didn’t learn anything… But one line he said kind of stuck with me. “These personality traits are the same ones that can help you be successful in business or anything else in life… Or they can be used for evil.”
“You can use your power for good or evil…”
During lunch break I got back a little early and started bullshitting with one of my classmates. He had been in jail for the past four years and was currently serving the next three on probation. For one plant. One. Plant. He said that his wife had waited until 4 months before his release and decided to move back to Montana. She said she would set things up in Montana for him.
“All the guys in prerelease said, you know she’s leaving you right? I fuckin brushed them off and denied it… We were a married couple working things out… Well two weeks later I got the call.”
I must have learned my lesson for the day because the dude started to emit a few gurgling coughs after every sentence he read. He then informed us that he had made I high risk choice the previous day and ate a salad that was rather questionable, and was now paying the consequences. At any rate he began skipping over entire chapters while getting more red and taking frequent bathroom breaks. We ended up getting out of class about five hours early.
I managed to get back and get some work done. I got called out to the field and was rather pensive on the raking tractor… For good or evil… That tractor broke down. An easy fix but the tractor was far to hot to work on. After the third time singeing my hand I threw down the tools in frustration. The wrench lodged itself halfway up the handle in the swamp ground. We had a second tractor so I jumped on it and managed to make a few rounds still contemplating… Use your powers for good or evil… Why do I freak out about things? Why do I cuss and yell about trivial matters? I swore to myself to develop
Patience, Temperance, Prudence, Stoicism… No sooner had I promised to myself to develop these attributes when immediately.
Again, a breakdown. As if deliberately testing me. Ha. It was unfixable so I left it. But I returned to the now cool tractor and patiently found what I was doing wrong before and put it back together. I rode in in the ranch truck that the hands have spent the last month filling with junk and trash. Im going to clean it. If I want to run this place someday I have to stop acting like a fuckin punk and lead by example. So I did. Cleaned the matted hay out of the bed, organized the tools, filled the gas canisters. Repaired the bed where it was coming apart.
I felt good about myself. The past doesn’t determine your future. Just do a little extra everyday.
I returned home to a text of a girlfriend asking me how my day was and a snapchat of her tits. I used solid text game to reconnect with her and have her drive hundreds of miles to have bone raking sex. But thats a post for a different evening.